Hunting...Kind Of...

I'm looking for a 3rd job, and I just wanted to share a few of the gems that I've come across...I should probably be applying for some stuff, but this is much more fun.

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Spears, Roejuck & Co. Sales Associate

Location:
NJ

Features & Description
Sales Associate (100% Commissioned)
Responsible for selling and servicing customers. Must be willing and able to handle customer issues that may arise on the sales floor. The associate will spend all of their time on the sales floor within in one or more departments. This individual will maintain knowledge of products and use this knowledge to assist customers.

I think I might be able to do this...application SENT!

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Occupational Therapist - Care assignment in New Jersey
Title: Occupational Therapist
Location: New Jersey
Salary:
Online: Apply Today

Job Description:
Healthcare is looking for occupational therapists for a local acute care facility. The hospital is fully accredited by the Joint Commission and offers a full array of medical services including a 24-hour emergency department, ICU/CCU, maternity, neonatal intensive care unit, medical and surgical departments, same day surgery, transitional care unit, rehab center, and behavioral health.

Sound like fun to ME! I was kind of looking for a place that was accredited by the Bong Commission, but I'll take what I can get at this point...
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DATE	POSITION TITLE	JOB#
12/30/2009	New to travel Test the waters with this OT contract.	30301176

What the eff?
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Job Description

BUCK TREE IS A:

• Priceless Experience: A career with Buck Tree also comes with a lot of variety. It's a fun career that allows you to wear a different hat every day.
• Valuable Partner: We're all on the same team at Buck Tree. We're about people treating each other with respect, camaraderie and a sense of joint purpose.
• Career Growth Opportunity: If you have the drive and energy, a career with Buck Tree can take you just about anywhere you want to go.
• Place We Can All Profit: Why not have your cake and eat it too? Work for a great company and in return get a great benefits package that shows our appreciation.

Discover for yourself how far this BUCK can take you!

If I knew about this job 16 years ago, I would never have bothered going to college. A different hat every day? Wonder if they'd be cool with me wearing this one...

Are You Kidding Me?

I was rinsing off dishes to load the dishwasher, and I noticed that the hot water wasn't getting hot. In fact, it was colder than my soul. I checked the bathroom water, because somehow, that made sense to me. Nothing. Cold. Well, I supposed that my hot water heater was to blame, perhaps the pilot light went out (I don't even know if it has one). I'm not a plumbing mastermind, but I figured I'd go down into the basement to see what was up anyhow. Now, I haven't been down in my basement in about 5 years or so, as it's a Yankee basement, and it gives me the creeps. For all of you who don't know what a Yankee basement is, it's basically a big hole dug out from under the house after the house was built. Dude, a family of 6 could have been living down there, but I figured I'd chance my arm and check it out. I got down the steps, opened the door, and was welcomed by 5 inches of freakin' water. There were floating golf shoes, a 2"x4" that had drifted toward the door (probably trying to escape the Civil War ghosts haunting the place), and various other buoyant debris. All I could think was "are you kidding me? Are you friggin' kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me?"...nobody answered, so I suppose nobody was kidding me. So Happy New Year! No hot water. Karma baby, it's a bitch.

In Hunt of The Illusive Diversity Buffet...

Every weekday, like most of you, I go to work. On my way to work, I pass many establishments of the eating variety, but none quite like the "Diversity Buffet". From what I understand, the "Diversity Buffet" used to be one of those "Old Country Buffets", but with the hard economic times, I suppose they decided to pack up and ship out. The location isn't the greatest, as it's located in the Seacourt Pavillion, where businesses often flourish and fail in a matter of a year or so. Good move for OCB, bad move for the "Diversity Buffet". As I pass this spot on my way to Hell every morning, I often wonder, "Why call it the Diversity Buffet? Were all other names in the universe already taken?". God, I wish I was a fly on the wall during that think tank. It sounds like a pornographer's euphemism for a multi-cultural orgy. They probably would have come up with something better using a magnetic refrigerator poetry set.

So now the adventure begins. I packed the kids up in the car, and told them that we were going out to eat. Of course they asked me where we were going, but I wanted to keep it a surprise. We rolled in to Seacourt Pavillion, and my son exclaimed, "Diversity Buffet! Sounds diverse...". I think he said what we all were thinking. We exited the car, and looked for the entrance. Now it appears that the "Diversity Buffet" is upstairs at Seacourt (I've NEVER heard of ANYTHING being upstairs at Seacourt), so we looked around for the door. Now I have to tell you that I've done a lot of crazy and impulsive things in my life, but the idea of actually eating at this place made me extremely uneasy. I assumed that they might have a salad bar, and that might be a safe bet, but the thought of the likelyhood of getting Salmanilla was too much for me to bear. Anyway, back to the door. We searched around, finding a door to a closed down body wrap place, and an empty store next to it (I don't know what it was), but no entryway into the "Diversity Buffet". We were out of luck (or full of luck, depending on your perspective). So we went to the liquor store for some Stella and to say "Hey" to the ping pong chick, and home for a delightful dinner of hotdogs, buns and a side of ketchup. That is three of the 5 food groups, right?

Ping-Pong-Ding-Dong

Here's a little story that demonstrates my lack of coordination, or "akward grace", as I like to call it. I mean, I've always played sports and things like that, and I'm awesome at the tight-rope walk on the Wii Fit, but when it comes to practical movement and spacial awareness, I suck. Badly.

I arrived at the liquor store on Christmas Day for some last minute gifts for my friend Chrissie and my brother's...well...whateversheis, Dara. So after looking for a couple nice bottles of roijas (apparently the don't carry it), I decided on some Blueberry Champagne made by a local winery. I brought it up to the counter, and asked the checkout girl if she could wrap them, as I had no time for that business. Actually, they're lucky that they didn't receive the bottles wrapped hobo-style in a paper bag. So I paid for these items, and gave the girl $5.00 for slipping them into mylar bags wrapped at the neck with a ribbon. I'm sweet, I know, it was Christmas. As I proceeded to walk out the door, I apparently did not notice the jar full of Ping Pong balls. In my ignorance, I brushed by them, knocking EVERY SINGLE BALL into the floor. It was really cool to see all those balls bouncing across the counter and down the aisles, almost like some sort of bastardized Christmas Miracle. The checkout girl came running from behind the counter and started chasing after them and picking them up. Then the line queuing up for their purchases got involved, and of course, so did I. It was like TEAMWORK! Strangers were running all over the place, just trying to get their hands on my balls. They were handling my balls with great care, almost caressing them, and placing them back where they belonged. In the end, my balls were back in place. Of course, being the asshole that I am known to be, said to the girl, "I guess you earned that $5.00".

Cheers To Beers!

Christmas Day is a day for drinking. Well, a day for me to drink. Family get-togethers are so much more tolerable drunk than sober, so I figured it was prime time to get my drink on. I opened my mother's fridge, and low and behold I stumbled upon this...
Stella Artois...Reassuringly Expensive

Now, I'm not typically a beer drinker, but when it comes to Stella Artois, I'm a beer pounder. As I sat down to make love to my beer, I exclaimed, "Ah, the champagne of beers". That's when the needle on the record scratched across the album in my brother's mind. "That's not the slogan for Stella! That's Miller High Life!". Of course, I then had to look up the slogans for both, and (standing corrected), I continued to down my beer. Which brings me to today's post...
Beer Slogans. Obviously not all of them, just the ones that make me want to drink.

Boddingtons beer brand
Marketing slogan: Boddingtons. It's a bit gorgeous.

Carling beer
Advertising slogan: Carling. Spot On.

Rolling Rock Premium Beer
Advertising slogan: Rolling Rock. Free Flowing.

Samuel Adams beer brand
End line: Samuel Adams. America's World Class Beer.

Guinness Irish Stout
Advertising slogans: Out of the darkness comes light.
Guinness refreshes your spirit (USA campaign)
Believe (UK campaign)
The most natural thing in the world (in Ireland)
It's got to be Guinness (in Singapore)
Now enjoy Guinness anywhere (Australian campaign)
Good things come to those who wait.
Guinnless isn't good for you.
Guinness is Good for You

Carlton Midstrength beer
Advertising slogan: Stay a little longer.

Ballantine's Beer
Motto: When you see the three-ring-sign, ask the man for Ballantine.

Kronenbourg 1664 lager
Taglines: Sit. Savour. 1664.
1664. A Good Year for Beer.

Busch Beer
Advertising slogan: Busch Beer. Head for the mountains.

Schlitz Beer
Ad slogan: Schlitz. The beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Budweiser Beer
Slogans: Budweiser. True
When you say Budweiser, you've said it all.
For all you do, this Bud's for you.
The Genuine Article.
The King of Beers.
Where there's life, there's Bud.

Coors beer
Slogans: The Coldest Tasting Beer In The World (for Coors Light )
It won't slow you down (Light)
This is our Beer (Light)
Turn it loose!
Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water.
Note: Coors brewing water in Golden, Colo., begins high in the Rocky Mountains. It flows underground and is naturally filtered over beds of sand and gravel)

Courage Beer
Slogans: It's what your right arm's for.
Take Courage.

Double Diamond Beer
Taglines: I'm only here for the beer.
A Double Diamond works wonders.

Heineken beer
Slogans: A better beer deserves a better can.
It's all about the beer.
Lager Beer at its Best.
How refreshing! How Heineken!
Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach.

Greene King IPA beer
Advertising slogans: Greene King IPA. A tasty change from the usual.
Beer to Dine For.

Molson Canadian brand
Marketing slogans: It Starts Here.
I am Canadian.

Bud Light brand
Taglines: Fresh. Smooth. Real. It's all here.
Be yourself and make it a Bud Light.

Abbot Ale, Greene King's flagship brand
Slogans: Some things get better given longer.
Would you say no to another?

Miller Beer
Slogans: It's Miller time!
Good call (Miller Lite)
Tastes great, less filling (Lite)
Everything you always wanted in a beer. And less. (Lite)
If you've got the time, we've got the beer. Miller Beer.
The Champagne of Bottled Beers
No matter what what's-his-name says, I'm the prettiest and Lite's the greatest.

Old Milwaukee beer
Slogans: It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This!
Old Milwaukee. Taste as great as it's name.

Dos Equis Mexican beer
Slogans: Sooner or later you'll get it.
Let your tastes travel.

Carlsberg
Ad slogan: Carlsberg. Probably the best beer in the world.

Labatt Blue, the best selling Canadian beer brand
Taglines: A whole lot can happen, Out of the Blue.
If I wanted water, I would have asked for water.

St. Pauli Girl brand, Germany
Taglines: Germany's Fun-Loving Beer.
St. Pauli Girl. The Original Party Girl.
Put her on a pedestal, or a coaster (USA campaign)
You never forget your first girl.

Smirnoff Ice brand (alternative brewed using a malt base)
Advertising slogan: Smirnoff Ice. Intelligent Nightlife.

Newcastle Brown Ale brand
Slogans: Newcastle Brown Ale. The Other Side of Dark.
The One and Only.

Bass Ale brand
Slogans: Bass. A little bit of better.
Bass. Reach for Greatness.

Schaefer trademark
Advertising slogans: Our Hand Has Never Lost Its Skill.
Schaefer. America's Oldest Lager Beer.

Amstel brand
Advertising slogans: Taste life. Pure Filtered.
Amstel. Our beer.
Celebrate football (Note: Amstel - sponsor of the UEFA Champions League 1994 - 2004)
The beer drinker's light beer (Amstel light)

Michelob Ultra, a low-carbohydrate beer brand
Marketing slogan: Lose the carbs. Not the taste.

Michelob AmberBock beer
Tagline: Michelob AmberBock. Rich and Smooth.

Red Stripe Jamaican lager brand
Advertising slogan: It's BEER. Hooray beer!

Sagres beer, Portugal brand
Ad slogan: Sagres. Spot the difference (for dark beer)

Corona, Mexican brand
Advertising slogan: Corona. Miles Away From Ordinary

Harp Irish Lager brand
Marketing slogan: Harp puts out the fire

Stella Artois brand
Ad slogans: Looks ugly. Tastes great. (Stella Artois in a plastic bottle).
Stella Artois. Reassuringly expensive

Foster's, Australian brand
Taglines: He who thinks Australian, drinks Australian
Foster's. Australian for beer

Asgaard beer, German brand
Motto: Asgaard. Cheers to the Vikings!

Beck's, German brand
Slogans: Beck's. Life Beckons (USA campaign)
Life Beckons. Choose wisely. (Australian campaign)
Unmistakable German Craftsmanship (Great Britain campaign)

Carlton Cold, Australian brand
Advertising slogan: Nothing's as fresh as a Coldie

So there you have it...CHEERS!

A Useless Hunk Of Metal

Apparently, the newest fad these days is the Purity ring (AKA Chasity ring, Promise ring). It has bewildered me for quite some time, as I can't understand how a useless hunk of metal could possibly prevent an hormonal teenager from engaging in sweet, sweet lovemaking. I understand the whole "promise" bullshit, but why is there a need to put a price tag on virginity? Is the amount of flow designated for the purchase of the ring directly proportionate to the amount of sex acts (penetration excluded) that these kids engage in? I know my folks would have had to have shelled out quite a bit of cash in order for me to make a rediculous promise that would have been next to impossible to keep.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for anything that would prevent Born Again Christians from procreating, in fact I would buy them ALL Purity rings, if I had the means. There's only one way that I could see the Purity ring working. Now bear with me here, and cover your eyes ears and mouths if you don't want to hear it...

I figure if you shoved about 40 Purity rings into a girls vaginal cavity, that might work...or a size 3 around a dudes precious knob...

"Oh Captain, My Captain"

I'm not one to be loyal to a particular brand, but when it comes to liquor, I tend to lean toward drink that I have some sort of familiarity with. Unfortunately, when I'm strapped for cash, brand loyalty goes out the proverbial window. Enter "Admiral Nelson" Spiced Rum. This is an obvious knock of...f of "Captain Morgan", and as you can see from the label, it bears a striking similarity to the latter. I'm no rum connoisseur, but I did experience a mighty difference between the "Admiral" and the "Captain". The two day hangover. Now I know I'm getting old, but I would hardly call myself a lightweight. Perhaps it was the Friday night blowout, followed by the continuous daytime drinking on Saturday. Who to say? But I do believe a call to action is in order. Admiral Nelson needs to be Court Marshaled.

THE FIRST DENT

THE FIRST DENT* in my grill is tardy and annoying assistants.
(*includes kiss-asses and former students, both exclusive and inclusive)

And before you do anything in your pitiful mediocre life...
Think of the following:

1. What is a real number?
2. Ask yourself, WWFD? (What Would Fitz Do?)
3. What the FUCK is a real number?

My will be done.